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24/9/08 - Its been a long time

Welcome one and all to another little rant from me JTB, Jonny Rose, Jonny Costello or just plain John if ya know me real well.

Its been ages since i have sat down and really had time to talk to you and i dont really have any idea what i have to say so this blog may be just a jumbled mess or it might end up an english work of art.

Two days ago was Vickey and I's first wedding anniversery. after about 6 months of marrage i really was not doing well constant arguing that i am sure was all my fault aswell as general pissing eachother off and for a short time Vix and I spent a few nights apart. When she went i really thought that was it. I thought she was gone and there was no way of ever getting my one and only true love back, what the fuck could i do.

When Vix came into my life she filled a hole i had been trying to fill all my adult life and made me feel like a real man, someone really did like me for exactly who i was and didnt want to change me, she didnt care that i wear clothes that look a bit shitty or that im 47 stones over weight she loved me just as i am.

Over the 18 months that followed we got closer and closer and that hole that she filled just got more full and i loved this woman so very very much it hurt when i was not around her, and to have that walk out of your life after just 6 months of marrage and 18 months of relationship really hurt and i really didnt want to live my life without the woman that has been a rock to me.

I was glad Vix and i had chance to sit alone in nutural suroundings and talk things through i knew she loved me but was that enough to keep her with me for the rest of my life. I have nothing to give her. i dont have loads of money, a posh car, a sexy body to show off or any of that i just have a love as big as wales for this amazing woman and like i said she loved me to.

Over the last two years some of the things Vix has said to me have stuck with me, we all say things we dont mean when we heated but its hard to get that vision out of your head when your feeling low about yourself as often i do.

I felt i was living a lie and pretending everything was perfect in our little family life and not telling family or friends that we had problems, that really didnt help.

Vix leaving gave us the chance to come clean and hold our hands up and say we are not perfect in anyway, WHAT THE FUCK CAN WE DO.

We had help from both Vix mum and dad aswell as my mum all the way they all totally stood by us both and understood they have saved us from thousends of pounds worth of money worries and always been there with a shoulder to cry on when ever needed, Jan, Keith & Mum I love you all so much thanks for your support

When the air was clear and the rules layed down i needed to prove i am still the man Vix fell in love with, we all change over time and i was starting to hate who i became. I went to talk things through with a doctor to clear my head of any bad thought, Am i possesive, Am i jellous, Am i clingy etc. I didnt want anything to get in our way.

With my head clear of any thoughts that may make me feel low we bagan our new life and i really hope our 2nd year of marrage will make Vix as happy as we were on the wedding day its self.

In a way i wish we could get married again or re new our vows, i would love to see her in her dress again, I would also love to have my daughter there as she was not at the first wedding (Long story)

I guess the message here is to you Mrs Vickey Stallard, you are every breath i take, your my reason for being here. Its been a tough first year hunny but this next 70 will be easy after that.

I love you baby

John

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